Not having a good day.

I know for the most part, most families usually have 1-2 cats in their homes when they are cat lovers. But what MOST people who hate cats don't understand is the loyalty and devotion that the cat gives to their owners UNCONDITIONALLY. We started out with two kitties back in 2005. We got our male fixed but it was too late, and she ended up with 4 babies. Now, we thought ok we will get rid of these 4 kittens and it will be alright. Well each one of them had a personality that we got attached too. So we got the only male fixed so we wouldn't have anymore babies. THEN last year my Brother finds a male kitten in a engine of a truck, some things happened at his home so he brought me the kitten to take care of. Well, low and behold little pimp himself decides to bang all the females in the house and got em' knocked up. So we ended up with all these little kittens running around. We have gotten rid of two to very good homes but are left with 3 that are 2 months old and 3 that are almost 4 months old. Well today, I went out to the animal shelter to see about releasing them to find some good homes. In which they would recieve more devoted attention too. They are leaving my home in 50 minutes to on there way to find new homes. I in return am going to volunteer my time at the shelter, so I can still visit them til' they have homes. I am also taking 3 of the adult cats, one is Peanut...she has to be put down as she is deaf and does not get along with other cats. She has tried to strike out at a child I had here at my home. The other two is Sinatra, he is a BIG white kitty with the most beautiful blue eyes ever. And Robby, the infamous PIMP father to all of them. I know for a fact, they will either spay or neuter these cats. Which is something I do support. Trust me...its a zoo here. I do not know how I am going to react tonight when I go to sleep when its really quiet. With everything happening this week, right now I am really torn up over all of this. My heart is breaking big time. I keep asking for forgiveness but I don't think I will get it.....my heart hurts. And Mom...you just don't understand any of this. You taught me to love and nourish, and I do have a very big heart when it comes to cats. I wish I could have a HUGE barn where I could keep them all. But we all know that is only a dream. Will never, ever happen.