Monday, August 27, 2007

Here's a Shocker.

Someday next year, I will be taking the plunge..yet again. I feel like a failure from my first marriage and have been afraid of failing again so I have just avoided it all along. Mom, this is something you don't understand on why I haven't gotten married yet. I've felt so strongly about this, about my failing to have a successful marriage and the stress I put not only myself but my Son. But it takes two for it to fail, I know that. It takes two to make things work out. And it has to be 100% of nothing at all. Mike has been asking and asking me for over a year now and I've been putting it off. Its usually the other way around on that, the guy usually puts it off or runs away from the conversation. I did that. But with the things all totally different. I feel empty now. The truth of the matter is, my Son's Father remarried on the 18th. He always told me, he would never remarry that I scarred him for life on women. I reminded him that isn't true. He scarred me. He never stood up for me, never opened my door for me, would not get along with my family, took me far away from my family and basically abandoned me. I also reminded him that I wasn't a money hungry b*tch either in which he said NO MAN can afford me. (((Smack)))) Our wedding rings only cost us $400. I never asked for a diamond, just a wedding band. And when I got pregnant, he said it wasn't his. That hurt so bad, it hurt so bad that I drove and drove just to get away. Then he told me to hide my pregnancy from his co-workers. It was like he was ashamed of me. I guess that is how I have taken life and how it should be. So I took Mike for granted when he would open doors for me, bring me a can of Pop, or my plate of food. Or when he took care of me when I had my recent hand surgery. Or when he would sit down and wait til' I got my food and my Son's food for dinner. Now our recent conversations consist of, Our Wedding. That he wants me to have the wedding I never had. To do what I want to do, not the courthouse thing either in which my first marriage started and ended. He wants my Daddy to give me away. He wants my Family to be involved and to share our special day. He wants so much for us to enjoy our day. Never once has he mentioned his family, and I keep saying. They are just as important. He goes, Oh I know. Not worried about that. They are excited about having me as a daughter in law. But for the emptiness inside, I am the only one that can change that feeling. I've had a few rough months here and in the end. Mike has been my wall, my stand, and I really don't know how I can live without that right now. I have said things that have really bothered me in past with him, and in the end. I have to suck it up because there is more GOOD than Bad. At least he cleans the cat boxes out. LOL.

Another thing too, My Mom has been the solid rock of my life. She HAS been there thru everything. She has been the one I go too if I ever had a problem. And even though I don't spend as much time together as we should. Sometimes I can't help it, and its not because of this or that. Financially is the problem. I am overwhelmed in bills right now. Losing sleep over it. And with the basement being flooded, it really put a damper on my laundry. I hate being without laundry. I hate going to laundry mats. I spent two years taking the dang bus to the laundry mat with a 3 year old. A person can only handle so much. I think that was my lowest in my life. So losing my washer and dryer, put me in a state of depression.

1 comment:

Cher said...

Congratulations on the pending nuptuals. I totally understand the fears you're having and have been having. I'm on marriage number four to the same man twice. Did that make sense? HA! I've determined that if it doesn't work out this time, I'm forming my own cult of non-married hetrosexual women. Sometimes, I actually have the thought that I'm just not good relationship material.
Pray.. if you do.. and even if you don't... meditate, smudge... give a wild party, but celebrate the part of you that is courageous enough to move beyond your fears to the possibilities that await you. (WOW.. I'm waxing philosphic before coffee!)